Girl Named Gratified

   On Saturday April 13th I completed my first half-marathon. I "trained" for 13 weeks, and it didn't go as planned. I got sick a lot, went through 2 rounds of antibiotics, and missed a lot of training runs because of it. I went into the race not feeling ready, but I couldn't back out. The race was Rock the Parkway in Kansas City, and Pete was doing it too. We were staying with friends, and making it our anniversary weekend. We got there at 7:00 am, the race started at 7:30. I was very nervous - would I make it? Would I die? Would I pass out? Would I be last? all of these things were going through my head. There were 5,500 runners participating in the half, so I knew my chances of being last were pretty slim. It was 37 degrees when it started, and I was thankful I had packed a long sleeved shirt just in case. I was in the "G" wave, so my wave didn't start until about 7:42. I wasn't able to get up to my pace group because the crowd was too big, so I went at it alone - I crossed the start line, and started running. The first few miles went pretty quickly - I am a people watcher, and I spent most of it watching the people around me and deciding who would run my pace, who I should pass and who I should stay with. When I run, my wheelhouse is miles 4-7 - I feel really good in those miles in every run I do. When I hit 4 miles, I started to feel good and started making up some time. I was right on the pace I wanted to be at - about 13 minute miles. Then I made it to the hills. Hills are not my friends, they completely wear me out. I lost a lot of time from mile 6-8. Then I regrouped, got some water and a gel, and focused on the remaining 5 miles. About mile 10, I hit "the wall". I was so tired and my body was telling me that was it, I can't go any further. My hamstring was cramping, then my foot started cramping. About that time the 3:05 pace group caught up with me, so I told myself "stick with them until the end, it's only 3 more miles" (my loose time goal was under 3 hours, but with it being my first I was happy with just finishing, so 3:05 was acceptable). I kept up with them, even when they were running 11:30 minute miles. At mile 12 I saw Pete on the side (he's much faster and had been finished for 45 minutes) he came over and started to run with me (that's right, my husband loves me so much that after running 13.1 miles himself, he walked back a mile just to run the last mile with ME <3) That last mile was THE LONGEST MILE I'VE EVER RAN. I'm sure it was at least 3 miles, they must have measured wrong. By the end I hated everyone and if one more person told me how close the finish line was, I was going to punch them. I could see the finish line, and people were sprinting past me, but I could not go any faster. I slowly ran with 100 pound legs and crossed the finish line. I finished in 3:05, and was 4411 out of 5500 (not last!) They gave me my finishers medal, water, mylar blanket and congratulated me. Best. Feeling. Ever. I cried, I was in shock, I didn't know what to do because my legs hurt SO bad - should I walk, sit down, lay down, curl up in a ball? I finally found Pete (he split off before the finish line) and he took me to the chocolate milk and wheat rolls (they were out of bananas and I was SO sad). I began to recover, we had our picture taken, and began to walk up the GIANT hill to our car (huge mistake parking uphill from the race!). It started to sink in that I actually did it. Even with horrible training, I still crossed the finish line of a 13.1 mile race. I was proud of myself, proud of Pete, so many emotions were going through my head. 

   This race was so inspiring because there were people of all sizes, ages, body types and it shows you don't have to fit into a certain mold to accomplish something like this. I've struggled with my weight my whole life, and after losing 40 pounds and plateauing I finally realized - I don't need to lose any more weight. Look what I've done at my current weight! Something that the majority of "skinny" people haven't done! I may be bigger than what society considers "thin", but I believe myself to be of a normal weight, and I'm not going to kill myself trying to diet and lose pounds. I've always thought my legs are too big - well, those legs carried me 13.1 miles to the finish line, so now I think they're just right; they're strong. This race taught me to be happy with who I am - my body can do so much more than I think it can. My mind stayed strong through the race, and that's what got me through. Below is a link to a wonderful video that Dove did with women, it really makes you think about how you see yourself vs. how others see you. We are our own worst critics, and we have to stop living our lives criticizing ourselves so much. As women we've got to start looking at all the beautiful things about ourselves, instead of picking apart our flaws. 

Dove Real Beauty Sketches


After the race I said "I'm never doing that again!" but now, I'm already thinking of when I can do it again (next time I want a friend to run with though, so I'll wait until I can recruit someone), and next time I will train harder and take it seriously, and hopefully knock some time off this one. I can see how people get addicted to marathons. Running fascinates me - I read everything I can about these elite runners that run 50 milers or 100 milers, and run at a 5 or 6 minute pace. It is amazing the discipline and incredibly physical ability these people have. The man that won the half marathon we ran, finished in 1:06 (roughly 5 minute miles), I was at the 3 mile mark and he was headed back and passed us, he had already ran 10 miles. Everyone around me started clapping for him, it was a pretty amazing moment. I know I could never be that fast, and I have so much respect for those elite athletes. 

Slow Is A State of Mind

After the half-marathon

  

   I debated whether to post this today or not, but I wanted a record (more for myself) of how the race went and what I was feeling so I can relive it when I want to. When I heard the news about the Boston Marathon yesterday, it broke my heart. After just finishing a large race it hit close to home. I can't imagine being there when something like that happens, and my heart truly goes out to all the victims and people involved. It is so sad that what has been such a happy and celebratory day for 117 years, is now tainted with this evil act, and it will never be the same. I do believe there is so much more good in this world than evil, and the good will prevail. We have to remember though that the nature of our world is that good cannot exist without bad, and vice versa. The bad brings out the good, as it did yesterday when so many people scrambled to help, runners kept running past the finish line directly to the hospital to give blood, people ran toward the blast to do what they can for people that were injured, hundreds of people posted on a Google doc that they have space in their homes for people to stay, offered food and drinks, etc. Bad things will always happen, there is no changing that. We don't have to let them rule our lives though, and we can make the good prevail. I was going to take this week off from running, but tonight I will #runforboston, because that's what I can do. I know that I will never qualify for the Boston Marathon, and I have so much respect and admiration for the amazing runners that do it each year. Runners are strong, and the running community is tight. We may not all know each other, but we identify with each other, no matter what the pace. I saw a quote on Facebook that said "If you're trying to defeat the human spirit, marathoners are the wrong group to target". Love it.

   Finally, I'd like to thank my husband for always supporting me in my crazy ideas, and actually doing them with me. There is no one in the world I would rather be next to as we experience new things together. I am so thankful to have him, and I can't wait to see what other new crazy things we do together! Sky diving anyone?? ;)

Girl Named Disappointed

So, my girls are in a "stage" where they don't like to listen. By "stage" I mean "childhood". Tonight started off well, but by the end of the night I was at the end of my rope. After telling them to brush their teeth no less than 9 times, Kylie went in the bathroom with stuffed toys (why not?) and of course, dropped one in the toilet. She was crying and crying, I told her I would wash it and toys don't belong in the bathroom. I took it into the laundry room and came back, and they had somehow covered the entire counter with toothpaste and water, and soaked 5 towels in water and said toothpaste. At this point I completely lost my temper and yelling and spanking ensued. Now, I'm not proud of this, but it happened. I feel there's this stigma with moms that we are supposed to be perfect and have endless patience, and make perfect Pinterest recipes every day, and go to school functions, plan perfect birthday parties, have perfectly clean houses, laundry done, dinner made...all while working 40+ hours a week! Today, for me, I've been sick, I'm tired, with work stress and everything else, I took it out on my kids. I debated whether or not to talk about this private part of my day, but you can judge me if you want - I wanted to share it so other moms that this happens to don't feel like I did afterwards. Like the worst mom in the world. 

Then this happened. I was putting Kylie to bed, and I had tears in my eyes from the guilt and frustration. She asked if I was crying and I told her I'm sorry I yelled at her, I shouldn't have done that. She says "Well, when I need to stop crying I just calm myself, and breathe in and out. You should try that" Be still my heart. Then when putting Claire to bed she says "You need to feel better. I will give you a hug and a kiss so you feel better". Okay, so that made me feel better and worse. I have these wonderful little girls with such big hearts that love me, and forgive me that easily for committing an awful crime in motherhood. I love those little girls more than life itself, and that's why I feel so crappy for taking my frustration out on them like that. I then turned to my favorite blog for some words of healing, and read this post:

Finding Joy - What if sometimes you don't like motherhood?

And it of course spoke to me, like her blog always does. I read her "Dear Mom" posts almost daily, because she is so real and honest. That's what inspired me to talk about the bad days as well as the good, in hopes that I can provide healing and encouraging words to a mom that's reading this. I know tomorrow will be better. That's the awesome thing about kids - when they wake up tomorrow they will have forgiven and forgotten, and I get a fresh start. Being a mom is hard enough without all the added outside pressures to be perfect. 

On a related note, I would love to start a local group (Springfield, MO) of moms that get together once a month and eat dinner, have drinks, and talk. We don't even have to talk about being moms, or our kids (but we can if we want!) I would just love to have a support group, and provide support to other moms as well. If you are interested, please comment below, or if we're friends on Facebook, message me! Us moms have to stick together, and let each other know that we are perfect, at least in our children's eyes! And our kids don't care about Pinterest, or a perfectly clean house, they care about us spending time with them, paying attention to them. They just want us to be their mom. 

Girl Named Speechless

I know, anyone that knows me knows I'm never speechless. I haven't written for a LONG time, mainly because I don't know what to write about. I don't want to be too bragadocious about my life, and I hesitate to share too many intimate details of my life and my family's life, so I feel that I've run out of topics! Here is an overview of what's been happening:

I registered for a half-marathon (yikes) on April 13th in Kansas City. Pete is doing it with me (not that it matters, because he doesn't run with me) but I am really nervous. There is a time limit on this race (I curse Crystal for convincing me to sign up for this one, then backing out!) and I'm not sure I can make it in the time limit. I am running a 15k this weekend (9.32 miles) and am also very nervous (although there is no time limit on this one, whew!) My last long run was 7.5 miles, and was the worst run of my life. I have never had a run where I literally wondered if I would make it back home, or if Pete would have to come pick me up. I made it home...very slowly. I had a sinus infection, lack of sleep, and strong winds were the perfect cherry on top. I've started antibiotics and feel MUCH better, but am wondering if I'm ready to tackle 9 miles yet. I wish I had one more week. It's so hard to overcome those doubts and voices telling me I can't do it, I'm too fat, I'm not athletic, why would I ever think I could do something like this, I'll come in last, everyone will laugh at me, I will pass out, I will die, etc. etc. I am terrified of this race.  

We registered Kylie for kindergarten (gasp), she will start this fall. We have her orientation April 10th, and I can't believe it. She's so funny though, she knows I am (like a typical mom) in disbelief that she's that old, so when I mention it she says "We aren't supposed to talk about me going to kindergarten, because it makes you sad". Be still my heart. It's so cliche, but I honestly don't know how they grow up so fast. Claire is almost 3, and talking SO much, telling stories, singing songs, and it seems like she was just born too. Such is life. 

4 1/2 going on 16

My job is going great, after being there a year in January I finally feel like I've gotten into the groove and everything is going smoothly (knock on wood). I enjoy what I do, and am so thankful to have found this job when I did! 

I was recently honored with being selected as one of the Springfield Business Journal's 40 Under 40 2013 Class. They put a nice article in their publication, and Pete, Heather and Nathan accompanied me to a wonderful dinner and award ceremony where they presented all the honorees with beautiful hand-made glass awards. I was truly humbled by the experience. The other honorees were accomplished, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, successful members of society, I felt I didn't belong and it must be some mistake that I was chosen. I am proud of my accomplishments, but don't feel that they rank in the top 40 of Springfield's under 40 population! It was so amazing to be placed in the company of the other honorees.

My handsome husband and I at the 40 Under 40 dinner

Other than that, life has been pretty "normal". I count my blessings every day - that I have such awesome, healthy kids; an amazing husband; so many awesome friends and family that support me; a roof over my head; a good job; I am truly the luckiest girl alive. With that I'll leave you, and hopefully it won't be 3 months until my next post! 

Girl Named Hopeful

I, along with everyone in the country, have been thinking a lot about the Sandy Hook shooting a lot in the past week. When I first heard about it I was in shock that something so horrible could happen. I cried and hugged my kids. I go to bed every night and think about it. I think about the poor kids and what they went through. I think about what could have possibly been going through the shooters head when he decided to do that. I think about the teachers and how brave they were. I think about the policemen, fire fighters, first responders, anyone that was there and saw that, because I'm sure that's something they will never get out of their heads. And I think about the parents of children that were killed, and what they went through - what was their morning before school like, what were the last words they said to their kids, and how it's so unfair that their kids were taken from them so mercilessly. I pray for those parents every night, that God will provide them with whatever comfort he can in such a horrible situation, and help them to get through the grief and somehow find a light on the other side. It has made me look at my kids, my days, my time, my attitude a lot differently. I have always known, from my experience working at CMN, that I should never take my kids health for granted because it can change in an instant. But these kids weren't sick, it was so unexpected. You take for granted that you leave the house every morning and part ways with your family, and you will all come home that night. I'm making an effort to pay attention to my kids when they talk, to spend time with them (I haven't worked out at all this week while they are awake - but some of that could be from eating too many Christmas treats and being lazy...), to make them feel important, to not let the little things matter (mismatched clothes, spills on the floor, staying up past bedtime, taking an hour to eat dinner), and to have PATIENCE with them (I struggle with having patience!) I've realized they are only kids for so long - sing their song to them 20 times before bed, let them get up and get a drink 5 times before they go to sleep, let them watch "1 more Dora", let them have candy, buy them too many Christmas gifts. They will be teenagers in the blink of an eye and they won't want any of that, and they won't want to spend time with me because they'll be with their friends. 

These are, of course, things that I should always be doing, and it shouldn't take a tragedy to make me start. But it's so easy to get caught up in life, and being busy, and working, and you forget what's important and how fleeting it is. I want my kids to be happy, and have great memories of their childhood and the traditions we've started. I want them to be generous and kind to others, especially others in need. I want them to be nice to everyone, regardless of how that person treats them. I want them to be good friends to people.  I don't want them to take for granted what they have, because material things can be taken away in an instant (my house burned down when I was 16 and I lost everything. Possessions can be replaced, but people can't). In order to teach them what the important things are in life, I have to know without a doubt what I think the important things are in life. I want them to be happy with who they are, and confident in themselves no matter what they decide to do. Most of all, I want them to know they are LOVED. With the new year right around the corner, it's a perfect time to begin practicing these things. I can't be responsible for the evil people in the world and the decisions they make, I can only be responsible for myself and for the way I raise my kids. I'm hopeful - I know there is good in the world, and there is more good than bad. You have to help make the good though, you can't just sit back and expect to take the good. If everyone helped make a little good, everything wouldn't be so bad! I'm hopeful that my kids will grow up and help make good in the world. 

Girl Named Runner

When I started running, it was on a whim. It was Christmas 2010, and I decided I needed to get rid of my baby weight. I went to the gym and ran a mile on the treadmill, and almost died. I started researching, and decided to try Couch25k, and set a goal to run my first 5k at the CMN Med Mile (I worked there at the time). I completed the program and ran/walked my first 5k in 44 minutes and some change. It was hot, I was miserable, I thought I was going to pass out and/or puke, and I hated it. But I kept going, but never considered myself a "runner". "Runners" do half marathons, marathons, triathlons, ultra marathons, but "runners" don't do 5k's. I continued my training, and completed 9 5k's between then and October 2012. My goal was always under 40 minutes - in August I finished on in 39:48. Then I changed my goal to under 35 minutes. My next 5k I finished in 35:21 (SO close!) but I ran the whole time, and gave it all I had, and I was SO proud of myself afterwards!

Me and my friend Heather, right before my PR 5k

 I decided to do a 10k, and started training doing Couch210k. The training was hard, with runs much longer than what I was used to (2 miles was as far as I ran unless it was a 5k race). I cross trained with P90X to build my legs up a bit. The first time I ran 5.7 miles was one of the proudest moments of my life, and the first time I believe I achieved a true "runners high". When I started running, if you told me I'd ever run that far I would have thought you were crazy. Then came the 10k, and I was SO nervous! I knew the worst that could happen was I'd have to walk, but I really wanted to do this right. Up to this point, I'd only ever finished 2 5k's without walking! My goal for the 10k was 1:20:00 and I started. I took it slow because I had never ran the full 6.2 so I wasn't sure what pace I could withstand for that long. I'm proud to say that I ran the entire time, with the exception of 3 water stations, and finished in 1:19:28. 

Me and my super-fast husband  (he finished in 53:00) right before the 10k

Again, when I first started running if you had told me I'd run for an hour and 19 minutes straight, I would have thought you were crazy! I still didn't consider myself a "runner", although I felt I was getting closer. It wasn't until I got my first running injury (torn meniscus) that I realized I am a "runner". Right after the 10k I had my knee checked out and the dr said to take 2-4 weeks off, and I couldn't believe it. I thought I would like to be ordered to take a break, but it wasn't that way. I felt lost, and I got sad and depressed. I was SO afraid that I would lose all my progress and all the hard work I'd put in would be gone. I didn't feel like myself (and it was only 2 weeks, ridiculous, right?!) but running has gotten so ingrained in my personality and identity that I didn't know what to do without it. Well today I had my first run in 2 weeks, and it was horrible (I only did 2 miles, but that's better than nothing!) and it was amazing at the same time. Today I finally feel like myself again, I'm running again and I feel normal. Today I am officially a "runner". I've decided to train for a half-marathon and I'm SO excited! I'm hoping to find a good one next spring to do, and if not I'll do the Bass Pro half next fall. Will I ever do a marathon? Right now I say probably not, but I said the same thing about a 10k and half-marathon a year ago, so who knows! I'm just glad to be back, and to anyone that loves running as much as I do, you will understand what this post was about. 

P.S. Below is a blog I found the other day, through another running blog I found. I immediately identified with her because we have SO much in common. She used to be overweight (although she's lost a lot more weight than I have!) she was bullied when she was younger and made fun of for being overweight, she started running and doing 5k's, and has now done 2 marathons! She is amazing, and I love to read other people's running stories and what motivates them. 

Chase Fear

Girl Named Weight Loss Advisor

I pay $18 a month for Weight Watchers. A couple years ago (between kids), I thought I'd been on it long enough that I could do it on my own and stopped, and started gaining weight. There's something about the accountability. This January, I started taking it seriously, along with my running. Exercising is a MUST with any diet. It keeps you healthy, helps you lose weight, gives you more energy, gives you more self esteem, it has endless benefits. You just have to find something you can do, and set a schedule, and DON'T let yourself stray. If you take one day off, that leads to 2, and 3, and week, and a month. I run 3 days a week, and do P90X at least one day. I usually give myself Wednesdays and Sundays off. But I don't stray from my schedule (I have before, and didn't run for almost a month. It took me 6 months to get back to where I was). It's a common excuse to say "I'm too tired to exercise", but it's a catch 22 - if you MAKE yourself do it, you will feel less tired! And the effect is multiplied with more exercise. Yesterday I didn't feel like running, I felt like going home and putting on my pj's. But I made myself go out (running outside is MUCH harder than on the treadmill) and did 4 miles - and set a new record for my fastest 5K in our neighborhood (there are SO many hills it is a slow route), so after I did it I felt much better and was glad I did. I also set new goals for myself, and try new workouts to keep it fresh. I recently decided to do a 10K, and started training. It's mixed up my running enough to refresh it and make it exciting for me again. Another common excuse - "I have kids and work, I don't have time to exercise". Well, I have 2 kids and work full-time - you have to MAKE time. Do it before your family wakes up in the morning, or do it after they go to bed at night, or do it on the weekends when someone can help watch your kids. Even 30 minutes a few days a week is better than nothing. We make time for the things that are important to us, so that is a good way to evaluate what is important - watching tv or exercising? Checking Facebook, or exercising? You make the choice; I choose running. 

I think the key word is routine. Get in a routine with what you eat and when/how you exercise. It takes 6 weeks to make something a habit. You also have to reward yourself every now and then. Don't do it with food (although you need to have a treat every now and then) do it with something you like - buy yourself a new outfit when you reach a milestone, or get a massage, or go see a movie you wanted to see.  You just can't let yourself stray or get off course. I've lost 40 pounds since January, and it's because I've worked HARD, made myself exercise, and not eaten things I shouldn't eat. It sounds simple, but it's hard. I remember when I was in college and I hated it, my mom told me "It's not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it and have degrees, then they would be worthless". The same concept applies - It's not easy, if it were, everyone would be skinny and fit. But that's not the case! If you are one of the people that are motivated and dedicated, you will see the rewards and can be proud of how you look and what you've accomplished. 

I have a lot of friends and family ask me how I lost weight, and comment on my running progress, so I thought I would share my strategy. It all boils down to 2 words - HARD WORK. I also have to give my husband credit, because he also decided in January to lose weight and get in shape (he's lost over 40 pounds!), and his support and participation by my side has helped me more than he knows. I honestly couldn't have done it without him. I'm not at the end of my journey, I still have 30 more pounds to go. But I know I can do it, I just have to be patient. There will be setbacks, there always are. It's what you do afterwards that matters - do you give up and start eating what you want, or do you get right back on the diet? Yesterday I went to put on dress pants (I usually wear jeans to work, but I had a meeting so I thought I would dress up!) and the pair I put on used to be SKIN TIGHT, so much so that I could not wear them. They are now too big to wear!! I put on another pair, same story! I now have 1 pair of dress pants that fits, and they are almost too big. The feeling you get when all your clothes are too big, is wonderful! It's the only sure way to measure your success in weight loss, and have a tangible outcome. It does mean spending money on new clothes, but who doesn't want to do that?! 

The biggest goal for me and my husband is to be healthy for our girls, and teach them a healthy lifestyle. We want them to see us exercise and want to do it as well. We want them to eat healthy and continue this through their lives. We want to be around when we're older to see them get married, and spend time with our grand kids. Leading a healthy lifestyle is the best way to guarantee this. Plus, we don't want our kids to have the "fat parents" at school! 

Girl Named Relaxed

 We had a nice relaxing weekend at Covington Lodge (my boss' lake house) this weekend! We had it planned for a while, and it of course decided to rain ALL weekend, after being in a drought all summer. I appreciate the rain, I just don't appreciate the timing of the rain! We had planned to have a picnic, go on a walk and play outside all weekend - we ended up staying inside, watching movies and eating all weekend. It was still very nice and relaxing though, despite the fact that I probably gained 5 pounds!

Friday night we had a nice chicken dinner, and were able to eat outside on the covered deck - we of course had Sweet Baby Rays, because we love Sweet Baby Rays! (that is a reference to the last lake weekend with friends, anyone that was there will understand!)

Then we watched tv for a while, and the girls were so happy to be there! Claire was especially happy because she found a guitar to play.

Saturday night we made home made pizza. I am not a cook, I try, but it never works out well. This is how the pizza turned out - we still ate it, it wasn't bad, just a little crispy! Making memories...

We were able to build a fire in the fire pit Saturday night and make s'mores, so that was exciting! Sunday morning it was still raining, but while I was packing the car the girls went on a little walk - 

I think this picture represents our weekend well - minimal fighting between the girls, just good loving family time. It was exactly what we needed after the week we all had last week with Pete being gone and the issues he had getting home with the flight cancellations. Weekends like this help ground me - help me to appreciate what I have, and spend quality time with my family, and enjoy the girls while they are still small. I am so thankful for my little family! 

P.S. I would like to add - the low point of the weekend was on the drive home - Claire started crying and said "My mouth hurts!" then promptly threw up all over herself. (we should have known because Kylie said the same thing the last time she threw up). So we had to find a place to pull over, get her cleaned up, and luckily we had spare clothes for her to change into! We stopped and got her Cheez-its (the closest thing the gas station had to crackers, don't judge us) and a Sprite. She seemed fine after that...I think it may have been dad's driving on the hilly and windy roads from the lake!