Girl Named Disappointed

So, my girls are in a "stage" where they don't like to listen. By "stage" I mean "childhood". Tonight started off well, but by the end of the night I was at the end of my rope. After telling them to brush their teeth no less than 9 times, Kylie went in the bathroom with stuffed toys (why not?) and of course, dropped one in the toilet. She was crying and crying, I told her I would wash it and toys don't belong in the bathroom. I took it into the laundry room and came back, and they had somehow covered the entire counter with toothpaste and water, and soaked 5 towels in water and said toothpaste. At this point I completely lost my temper and yelling and spanking ensued. Now, I'm not proud of this, but it happened. I feel there's this stigma with moms that we are supposed to be perfect and have endless patience, and make perfect Pinterest recipes every day, and go to school functions, plan perfect birthday parties, have perfectly clean houses, laundry done, dinner made...all while working 40+ hours a week! Today, for me, I've been sick, I'm tired, with work stress and everything else, I took it out on my kids. I debated whether or not to talk about this private part of my day, but you can judge me if you want - I wanted to share it so other moms that this happens to don't feel like I did afterwards. Like the worst mom in the world. 

Then this happened. I was putting Kylie to bed, and I had tears in my eyes from the guilt and frustration. She asked if I was crying and I told her I'm sorry I yelled at her, I shouldn't have done that. She says "Well, when I need to stop crying I just calm myself, and breathe in and out. You should try that" Be still my heart. Then when putting Claire to bed she says "You need to feel better. I will give you a hug and a kiss so you feel better". Okay, so that made me feel better and worse. I have these wonderful little girls with such big hearts that love me, and forgive me that easily for committing an awful crime in motherhood. I love those little girls more than life itself, and that's why I feel so crappy for taking my frustration out on them like that. I then turned to my favorite blog for some words of healing, and read this post:

Finding Joy - What if sometimes you don't like motherhood?

And it of course spoke to me, like her blog always does. I read her "Dear Mom" posts almost daily, because she is so real and honest. That's what inspired me to talk about the bad days as well as the good, in hopes that I can provide healing and encouraging words to a mom that's reading this. I know tomorrow will be better. That's the awesome thing about kids - when they wake up tomorrow they will have forgiven and forgotten, and I get a fresh start. Being a mom is hard enough without all the added outside pressures to be perfect. 

On a related note, I would love to start a local group (Springfield, MO) of moms that get together once a month and eat dinner, have drinks, and talk. We don't even have to talk about being moms, or our kids (but we can if we want!) I would just love to have a support group, and provide support to other moms as well. If you are interested, please comment below, or if we're friends on Facebook, message me! Us moms have to stick together, and let each other know that we are perfect, at least in our children's eyes! And our kids don't care about Pinterest, or a perfectly clean house, they care about us spending time with them, paying attention to them. They just want us to be their mom. 

Girl Named Guilty

Lately, with the girls starting preschool and Claire crying every day, I have been feeling more and more guilty for being a working mom. Kylie says almost every day "I just wish I could stay home with you every day, as a family" and it breaks my heart. I keep telling myself it's irrelevant because she will be starting kindergarten next year anyway, so staying home is pointless because she will eventually have no choice. Then I decided to train for a 10K, so my runs 3 nights a week have turned into at least one hour runs, so by the time we eat dinner, do baths and I run, Pete has already put the girls in bed so I feel like I'm missing out on the few minutes I get in the evening with them. There's a constant struggle with spending time with them, or doing things to make myself healthier and happier. Last night Kylie was complaining that her stomach hurt, and got up several times during the night, but didn't get sick. I took her to preschool today because she had no fever and no signs of being contagious, but she clearly didn't feel 100%. I sat at work all day and wished I was able to stay home with her and hold her and baby her so she would feel better, instead of sitting at preschool where no one cares if she feels bad. Then, my friend Erin posted a link to a blog on Facebook, and it was perfect for what I was going through:

Momastery

It is worded so well, and goes through the guilt that both working moms and stay-at-home moms feel. I think a mom probably has guilt no matter what, because there's always going to be something we wish we did better, or we did more of, or we could do to be a better mom. I don't know any mom that sits down at the end of the day and says "I am a perfect mom and I did everything I wanted to do today, and couldn't have done it any better!" I so, I want to meet her! There are obviously merits of working and of staying at home, but I don't believe kids that are products of either environment necessarily turn out "better". It's a personal choice, and both are good decisions for different reasons. I choose to work because I went to college for 6 years to work. I enjoy working, it keeps me busy and keeps my brain working. It gives me a reason to dress up. It helps me interact with other people. It helps me appreciate the little time I have with my kids. I've thought about staying at home many times, but I know myself well enough to know I would wear PJ's every day, I wouldn't fix my hair, most days I wouldn't leave the house, and I definitely wouldn't interact with any adults besides my husband. I would be miserable. I'm lucky that all of my best friends are also working moms, so I am able to talk to them and share my feelings and they share theirs, and it really helps to have that support system. I know once the kids are in school it won't matter as much, but right now it's hard to leave the house for work on Monday mornings.